I think I want you baby...

2003-03-31T22:20:00.000-08:00

my feet hurt, oooh yeah they do. i was walking to thepost office and one of the straps broke, so i cut it off and on the other one, now they're rubbing like all fuck and i got a fat arse blister on both of them, im doing the drag foot, constipated walk thing, ach, it sux.

im gonna call darren and sarah to catch up, we all just fell out of contact buti love 'em, so im going 2 white pages now, wish me luck me, ok me, goodluck!

2003-03-31T00:08:00.000-08:00

another damn entry, ive looked for heaps of jobs on this thing for the past hr and it's pissing me off, thought i'd just write some stuff. rachel came round last friday, was really cool, she's a ball to be around, can have a decent lighthearted conversation with her, and she's been through the same shit as me, having so much responsibility slammed onto you when you first leave home is harsh, u gotta do *everything* for yourself, if u dont work, u dont eat, have a place to live or even fucking winter clothes! (and that is naaaaasty, thank god for the salvos) but im glad i did it all, lived here there and everywhere, met so many people in the first 8 months, 4-5 different jobs, 4-5 different boyfriends haha, (damn them all), ive just come to realise there is no use in pretence, no use in trying to make others think the way you do, believe in what you believe, argue points to the point of conflict. I have and have had fun, have lost the weight that kept me back in early- mid teens, feel confident in society and finding a partner (though i havent been fucking around this month) and still have the ability to muck around, not taking things so seriously as to get worked up about them, and certainly not bullshitting my life to people in order to make it sound better. I've learnt many lessons while out of home and battling on my own. from trying to pay bills, paying bills, attempting to pay bills (aaarrrgghh!) to enjoying someone specials company (whoever that might be at the time) and importantly to try to keep the kid in me, appreciating the small things, saying daft shit, who gives a fuck about how mentally adult we are? whoever has and is doing the hard mile at the moment, they know what i'm talking about. what rach and i were talking about.
rach agree's.

2003-03-27T21:52:00.000-08:00

theres a group of people that *would* look like cool, weird hair, alternative, pill popping funksters, if it weren't for the tiny ass boob tube skinny courtney love junkie.
ditch her guys, or is she your groupie?
went into eurest today and filled out an application form, godamn referees! i should have remembered when leaving each job to fucking ask for my boss' contact # as a reference! they do ref checks at eurest in the final stages, and if I get there and my refs fuck me up im gonna spew!!!!!
attackof the ghost.....riders
attack of the ghost.....riders
fed pol clearance cost $41 man! fuck that! and they wouldnt even give it to me cos my license is suspended, so just a reciept, fortunately timmys gonna lend me the money 2 pay my fines, phayew!
with my phone on and all ive been home about an hr in the past 3 days, gah, but i loike puttin' down a home ph # in any applications etc, makes me feel less like a derro (eventhough it's 'in contact' only :P)
ange's got a throat ear and...head or something infection. she's always sick. or grumpy. or tired. or pissed off. or pissed. or stoned. or very very busy she wont do anything. poor chooka.

2003-03-26T18:58:00.000-08:00

and
and
and
uh
im driving the ford and it's got a cd player and sick speakers, and all ive got is obi trice going 'get a life muthafucka!' or something like that with the 'muthafucka' bit in it, heh
weyhey, they have *3* comps with the net now, and im only the only one u cant delete history, gah
me mooms birfday tedday, happy 55th ma!
oh and phils getting snatch soundtrack! gonna burn it 4 me, kick ass!
ho ho ho ho!
*ho ho ho ho*
ayyyyayyyo!
*ayyyyayyyo!*
gooba gooba gooba gooooba!
*gooba gooba gooba gooba*
ho ho ho ho! <--- the song on the credits when it finishes :P

2003-03-23T21:30:00.000-08:00

i sometimes wish i was an old person living in nice neat house like sheila and her friend. they read plenty of womens days, thats lifes, womens weeklies and those puzzle magazines. they watch daytime tv and eat grapes. they have their own chairs, nibble savoury chicken biscuits and go to bed without a care in the world. they rise early, drink their tea, take their pills and continue exactly like the other days.
they also have a cleaner. me.

2003-03-23T21:16:00.000-08:00

a poem i wrote last wednesday, obviously i cant be fucked typing up the rest of my 'novel', i see it in a different light now, it's not innocent personal thoughts anymore.

"Believe" said the fishmonger
wrapping my choice
"In the seas that call to you
in it's wet hollow voice
Dont be afraid when it licks your feet
Dont be afraid of it's icy heat
Dont step back when the tide grabs your leg
The waves are bowing
they will worship and beg."

"It's blackness at night is just self defence
But it will kiss the sand - your heart
it will never relent"

"It has existed before you were born
It has healed with it's peace
and killed with it's scorn
It has captured the hearts
and touched the souls
of the many who succumbed to it's powerful folds.
And it has whispered sweet nothings
in every sailors ears
Persuaded them to live with it
for the rest of their years.
It's beauty compels me, holds me, chills me
We are but simple servants to the powerful seas. R. Galvin 2003 C.

2003-03-18T23:30:00.000-08:00

what do i write better with? pen or pencil? I love the soft scratching of the pencil as I write, but only if im doing sums (eg. my budget - rachel, is there a reason you write a budget your brain does not abide by?) the pen is so much quicker.
I know I'm going to type this up on my blog and I know Im going to be tempted to change the wording, leave bits out - ad bits in...no rachel! let it be!
I'm slightly pinging, had a fairly decent sized line around 6pm, not of decent shit though, ange went through the same source but couldn't get a deal as good as last time - godamn. The only person we know who can get decent shit is Dino and it's really not worth the hassle with him.
Ange and Tim have gone to Jimmy Barnes as the metro in freo, they got a quaint old fashioned hotel room for the night - very nice. I'm here as guardian overnight. The only person ange fully trusts to mind the boys, everyone else she frets so much she comes home a few hours later, I feel honoured she trusts me so much.
I just looked up to ash my cigarette and met golden eyes staring at me, Buddha's Father (our grey n white cat), he pops in occasionally but noone has ever touched him.
I'm so awake I feel like I could write a novel.
After reading the beach by Alex Garland, a book Karen lent and recommended to me - deep gratitude kaz - the best book ive read in years, everything I do - no matter how insignificant - I can imagine it in Alex's words on paper. "She ashed her cigarette in the glass tray and sniffed the air. She could still smell the burnt rubber left on the road by the young wannabe dragsters spending their dole cheque on new tyres". heh, that's my attempt.
I havent had sex since valentines day, exactly one month and 5 days. Im finding Im associating everything with sex. I am a fan of my imagination. I love it. I'm not being conceited but over the past year I've found my own mind is wonderful. I can make myself laugh even irritate myself "Eez ae leedle beet colld - eez ae leedle beet cheelly", I say that over and over sometimes in this mexican accent till I yell at myself to stop it! I have my own wisdom for myself, the two quotes I live by are: "Believe nothing - accept everything" and "I exist therefore I am". I'd like to get them tattooed in a different language, the first one in tibetan and the other in hindi. Reason being, a friends now-husband was talking to me about buddhism when i first became interested in it and he said that was one of the main quotes, thanks jason vandongen married to melissa miragliotta ( a very wise couple), and the second from an interview on triple j where a band of women opened a large refuge for mentally impaired Indian women, completely forgotten - worse still - abused by society. It was inspiring - who thinks about disease riddled, battered schizophrenic muslim *women*? NOONE! and now a small amount of these women have a hope and a future. The refuge motto is "I exist therefore I am". I'll never forget it.
I need to film. I need to film. I need to see the real world and not the bullshit I think about like telstra bills, no cigarettes - no sex!
I am going to write more - what I want to see in life - what I want to experience and most importantly, what I need to film. To expose, reveal, question, amuse and not dictate but allow the viewer to ponder. Not especially to each other but within themselves, before sleeping, while driving, filling out a cheque, pouring boiling water over a teabag, lighting a damn cigarette like I am now.
I may earn millions, I may earn shite but I peomise to myself I will not live for money - for material luxuries. I may enjoy them, take some comfort in them and deeply appreciate them but I will not film for the box office, the academy awards *or* for the viewer. I will film for the subject I am filming. I will film how *they* want. Too many documentary makers have a clear idea of what they want to film and convey to the audience. The camera will be my second head, listening, asking straight forward sometimes even naieve questions, but i will come in with no bias, no prethoughts or set questions. I will allow the subject to answer their own questions, explain themselves in their own language and way. Isnt that what documentaries all about? If not, wouldn't it be scripted? directed? planned? Those do not deserve the title 'documentary' but 'short film' and they are completely different. I have the dream, the ambition - the drive to achieve what Ive just written. And I will, as God is my witness, my assistance. He makes my car start each morning. He reassures me when I am depressed. He is here and I believe that. I have denied it for years, antagonised against him but he has waited patiently for me to finally admit to myself I know he was watching over me. He allows me to make human mistakes, he does not curse me for having sex with different men, fantasize over women, take drugs, smoke cigarettes, spend my rent and blaspheme. He accpets we all do wrong things and cliche'd as it sounds, Adam and Eve rebelled - we are born to sin, but only the strong finally study their ways and make changes suitable to their life and relationship with God. I'm not saying I dont believe in other Gods, I sound confused dont I? I sound like Cat Stevens searching for answers (at least he found peace in becoming muslim), I believe in the peace buddha has brought to my soul. I no longer judge people but accept them, I dont fear people but quietly guard my feelings. I want to help other beings, animals and human. Noone asked to be brought into this world, in the rich wstern world, 'life is what you make it', but in poverty stricken countries, that isn't possible, they try but have no power, that is where human beings natural instinct for compassion and love should kick in and help our fellow man - whatever or wherever they come from.
I have heaps more to write but my time is up on the internet, and the be frank, I cant be fucked typing anymore.

2003-03-18T23:27:00.000-08:00

"pave paradise and put up a parking lot..."
that song
is in
my godamn
head!
i bought fruit n nut dark chocolate today, $2 for a big block mmm mmmm :)~~ Ive been eating so unhealthy but "i just dont give a fuck!" maccas last night and i still got 1/2 choc sundae in the freezer....oooh yeah.
am desperate for a fuck...i really want a fuck and it's doing my head in! i was joking about it to peter this morning and he goes "get a strap on dildo with karen", ooohhh creepy
got a letter from amber today...vurry cool, was expecting some bullshit from telstra going "thats it, we warned you bitch, now get ur ass to court" but no, just a little power bill, a lovely reference from paul and a carealot pay advice, which est all kewl.
im quite impressed with my hair, go go pantene and this Daniel Galvin hair styling stuff, cancelled line so it was only $4, I would have paid $40 just to have a cool product with my last name on it. now when ppl come round i can say my cousin is the next maurice meade...sad i know, like george on seinfeld "why did u say i was a marine biologist? why didnt you say I was an architect? you know i'd love to pretend i was an architect!"
timmy has returned, it's been about 7 weeks since he was here, now if theres time he's gonna introduce me to this recruiter chick 4 a job in the mines, fingers x'ssd, he just called and the shrill ring of my ph echoed throughout the whole of this converted theatre, he wants me 2 babysit the boys so him and ange can go 2 a jimmy barnes concert, hahahaha, jimmy fuckin barnes eh? good on 'em!
we're getting whiz this w/end to do anges garden, fucken oath we're gonna need a gram to get thru all that shit! but yeah, it'll keep us going and working hard, last time i did work on it, dino had knee high weeds all through his large backyard, he gave me a line and i ripped about a 3rd of them up in an hr, fucking just pumped along, was sick, ange sat on the step watching me the whole time, occasionally pulling the ones out around her feet haha
isn't it weird how old people look the same? specially old ladies, and they act the same too...hmm...you could put a room full of old ppl who were strangers and they'd *all* get on so well, but anyone younger and they'd feel awkward.
scabfaced ape is still looking at me
anyway, im writing more even tho my last entry was about 1/2 hr ago cos this skank was sitting next 2 me and i felt all inadequate all of a sudden, until i saw my reflection in the computer screen and knew i could look like that if i wore my hair up and big hoop earings and a ring on every finger etc etc, but i dont so i wont and im glad *bang bang*
"what is that tommy?"
"Its my belt turkish"
"no I mean the gun tommy, what is a gun doing in your trousers?"
"It's for protection"
"protection from what? zee germans? whats protecting you from blowing your bollocks off everytime you sit down?" Turkish n Tommy , unlicensed boxing promoters, Snatch 2000

and "d'y loike dags?"
Tommy: "Dags?"
"yeah, dags!" "d'y loike dags?"
"oh you mean dogs! yeah - i like dags - I like caravans more though"

had them snippets from me fave movie of all time in my head all morning plus
"u loike a drink?"
"i'd kill for one"
"there'll be nor killen aroond 'ere and i don't moind tellin' y! get the man a drink mickey!"

anyway, gonna cruise up 2 me sisters n see whats doin'. timmy wants 2 pay me for looking after my boys, gonna ask 4 drinks instead, "DRINK! ASS! *mumble mumble* FECK! DRINK!"

2003-03-18T22:44:00.000-08:00

fuck me, it's been ages since i last wrote in this thing. whats been happening....
rachel came round last friday night for pizza, very cool, had a chat etc, nic was s'posed 2 come round after but the fucker didnt show, godamn asshole, i said he could come round the wednesday before but made an excuse not 2 cos i couldnt be fucked cleaning, think he's just trying to get me back - path-etic.
kaz came round on...monday night i think...yeah monday night and we drank goon and talked n talked n talked about heaps of shite oh and the saturday b4 me and kaz met up with sed, known her in high school, still the same which is cool, had a good chat n all that.
fuck, i cant think of jack 2 write - weeeiiirrrdd
anyway ciao lovelies.

2003-03-11T21:25:00.000-08:00

much happier today - ignore my last entry. ange was very grateful and tim lent me some money so it's all sweet. this lady in the library farted when i was standing next to her, she goes "*fart* .........e- excuse me....", i was very grown up and didnt even crack a smile until i walked away...then the kid in me got the better hahaha
i saw some piss funny photos of my sister last night, i was feeling ugly so she got this shoe box out and goes "these'll make u feel better", one of her and tim when they had a family shot with rhys as a baby looks like 2 special-ed kids allowed to have a baby - 18mth old rhys looks more intelligent! hahahahaha then there's one taken with mum, ange and me when i was 8 (so ange was 18) and she had tight white cotton overalls on and she was quite large, the crutch was in a kind of V cos the arm straps were too tight! muaahahahaha, small things amuse small minds I know but fuck it was funny. ange was laughing so hard! couple of bourbons helped the cause!
http://atlasofoppression.blogspot.com i keep having to find the email, the atlasofoppression.blogger.com just goes directly to the main website, it is, actually at blogspot, fooled me not twice but thrice
anyway kaz, called u man but u at uni puni pudding and pie, there to learn and there to fry

there is a hell ugly picture of an ape, it has like growths on it's face and what looks like lines of spirally scabs intertwining all over them.
nic wants 2 come over tonight, i said i'd see what i was doing...let him know he aint that important yo!

2003-03-10T01:10:00.000-08:00

godamn motherfucker, just finished the first 8 hr day of learning C.P.R, E.A.R, D.R.A.B.C and all i need now is a strong V.O.D.K.A. now tims rung me and wants me 2 give my last $20 to ange cos all this shit going down with dean the cunt and she'd rather have a packet of cigarettes than milk and im just in a hell of a pissed off mood right now.

2003-03-06T20:11:00.000-08:00

well well, another day another update, or the fact I can be bothered toddling doon to the librarrrry to try to type quietly. godamn tappy spacebars to hell i say!
i went to coffee with Joseph and blah blah fookin' blah, yeah he's very handsome but it was so mediocre and blah blah fookin' blah. no chemistry there at all, no nervous excitement no nothing except forced politeness and the hard mental excercising I was doing pushing the thoughts of cigarettes out of my mind. "Just admit you smoke and have one....come ooooon, we're a part of you, if he don't like it he can lump it girl!" ... at the end I gave in and lo and behold we had something in common! well...*would* have if he hadn't quit a year ago. fuck. he didnt care though, but he didn't portray his sense of humour (if there *was* one lying deep inside) I only laughed at myself when i asked a dumbass question..or two...or three? the low-down: he'd 24, from kenya, a sister and a brother still over there, speaks english quite well, likes eminem, listens to commercial stations (doh!), likes his caring work, has a house in beckinsfield, beckinsdale...whatever and yeah...thats it after and hr! so i was feeling just blagh, had 2 work with peter, he thought it was funny, goes "guess u'll be back msging nic", I hadnt msged nic at all after he came round on valentines days, i though fuck him, he can msg me first. Lo and behold, driving back from Peters last night, who should msg? yeah but i had no credit, so he msged again going "U not talkin to me anymore sexy u had my cock up u now u dont wanna no(sic) me" bullshit! he's the one who i used 2 msg but he only msged when he wanted 2! so huh? He's ultra sexy and a great shag so i dont really care.
lalala, gonna go 'om en it soomthin' yeh' orright.
kaz and me got smashed on wednesday night, drank 2 1/2 bottles on sweet wine and acted like dickies. what the hell, it was fun. hope she calls kazzy, if not i gonna...i gonna...ahh, gonna do nutin' but i hope she calls.

2003-03-04T20:55:00.000-08:00

karen has a song she very much likes and even though it did annoy me 2 begin with, i'll give her credit for lowering my resistance to it. "i'm driving up 2 tampa when my radiator burst...." etc etc, kaz! we'll get those damn lyrics!

a "young 19yr red head" commited suicide by way of hanging himself on the junior play equipment at my nephews school yesterday. The early morning cleaner found the body. She initially thought it was someone standing there so her curiosity brought her face to face with a grim discovery. She is currently on leave and recieving grief counselling. Not one parent was informed of the incident and the children were made to sit in class for 6 hours with morbid thoughts cruelly running through their frail minds. Rhys came home first and was very troubled. He told Ange he saw blood in the toilets and murder weapons scattered around the school. This is a boy who my sister believes has a higher level of autism and is on ADD dexamphetamines, so can anyone imagine what he believed he saw! Ange is extremely disgusted the school wasn't closed down and parents informed. Little Athletics was still held in the school oval after school, not far from the scene. Life continued as normal. LIFE CONTINUED AS FUCKING NORMAL!

Another story, I heard on the radio two men were pulled up by an RBT up North and the police found a dead body in the tray of their ute. Zak's dad Dino was friends with BJ, the man charged with manslaughter. Dino was called by Linda, a woman who lived behind the house where the murder happened. Apparently, BJ was called by his lover whom he was having an affair, her husband/ defacto had found out and was beating her. BJ rocked up and was attacked by the man weilding a baseball bat. BJ wrestled the bat off the man and with one swing in a fatal spot, killed him. Not knowing what to do, he and his mate decided to dispose of the body in the bush and unbeknown to them, the RBT Van, set up in it's usual place and and usual time on a friday and saturday night, pulled them up. I asked Dino why they looked in the tray and he shrugged, thinking BJ most probably acted very agitated and suspicious. God Damn.
STOP STARRING IT'S FOR UNI !!!!
(damn bored snoops)

oh! news news for me! I left a note on this dude's car who works as a carer in the house next 2 annes. I asked if he'd like to have coffee with me sometime and left my mob. #. He msg'd last night saying he'd love to! woo! roll on saturday!
I pulled the piss outta Peter this morning. His bath towel had left fluff round his mouth. He dissed me about something so I go "ur towels left shit around ur mouth and looks like u got an std". rank i know but he didnt know what to say (for once)
anyway this fucker keeps trying to read what i;ve written. piss off!!!!!!!!!

2003-02-17T00:20:00.000-08:00

things didnt go well when kate came up, the day after the last entry we got pissed at my place and started walking down to the phone box to call this dude when kate got talking to this other guy walking behind us, we ended up going into east perth with him where he reckoned he was gonna score dexxies, they weren't there so he broke in and we grabbed what we wanted, walking back to the train station kate was acting like a dirty, pathetic slut and was pashing him heaps, we went back 2 his house and kate was telling him her life story (all bad) and all her insecurities, she then asked me if id mind if she stayed the night, fuck yes! we didnt know this dude! anyway she cut sick at me accusing me of being like her ex (abusive asshole) and wanting to control her etc etc, i just thought fuck this and walked out. the next day told her she wasn't the right kind of friend (she deducted that herself) and she walked out. good riddance to dirty scrags.
nic msged last week and we had really good sex on valentines day, to think back, i'd say it was the best sex we've had...even..."beautiful" haha, he always acts like a tosser afterwards then and i never know what to say, he's not mean but just...a dickhead. he does up hot cars and sells them for 'extra cash' does this with drugs too, i'd never want to get involved properly with him, too much of a head fuck.
this old fucker next to me goes "excuse me, i didnt know u could email from here", fuck off u cunt, stop trying to see what im writing.
I got in touch with karen, she's coming to see me tomorrow, woohoo! she didn't get the letter because they hadn't lived there for years, but was happy i called her, we had a really good talk, kate fucked her around too, jesus christ.
anyway, im gonna go and scoot around, sussing this blog thing out.

2003-02-17T00:11:00.000-08:00

howdy ho (mr hanky hooooowwwwwdy ho!)

kates here! woo! we got really pissed last night and went down to the 24hr deli to get some fanta and it had just been held up and there were about 5 cop cars and cops all over the place, we go "wooaahh what happened here? did these guys just get held up???" (duh) the cops go "yeah, come back in half hr " so we walked to this dudes house but couldnt find it then came back to the shop and the guy at the counter was still shaking hey going "I gotta get another job", we felt so sorry for him. anyway we might be going 2 the beach if we can get our asses into order!

2003-02-17T00:10:00.000-08:00

wrote this is on Saturday/Sunday/Monday...

Had a fairly ordinary week, worked, did some more work and went to a tupperware party at Jodi's. Oh! and Nu-Nu had 4 babies and they're beautiful! They look like staffy's though, Nu didn't get a look in with her chihuahua looks!

There's also a fluffy grey cat that has adopted anges house, he's so friendly and purry, ange named him aristos and feeds him. Jaxon feels a bit left out so I give him special attention whenever Im there, poor boofhead.

I got a msg from Nic on Friday, godamn. I didn't msg back and on saturday he goes "dont u want me anymore?" I asked what happened 2 him when i msg'd him about coming round to anges when she was in dunsborough in which he never replied, he said he was in hospital. I said i'd try to call him later on. he msg'd back going "just tell me if i was a good fuck, did u like it?" hahaha, these past weeks i thought he hadn't msg'd back because he thought *I* was bad!

I sent a letter 2 karen the other day, just saying i'd like to become friends again. I think I sent it to the wrong address, fingers crossed because i've never had a friend so thoughtful, intelligent and someone who i had no secrets with. what a feeling.

Dino gave me a line on friday night first time in ages (a decent one anyway) I came back from anges around 2am and had 2 work with paul at 6.30, i walked around my unit for a while, did some exercises then went to bed, waste of whiz w w w

we went 2 ascot water park on saturday, beeeeeoooodiful on such a hot day, ange got her purse nicked and there's some1 hanging around her house cos my car was broken into, nothing to nick but they went thru the glove box and nicked a fucking lighter! only coons would nick that shit.

Nic msg'd me at 3am sunday morning, wanting to fuck me, "baby i cant get u out of my head" and "I need some relief", i told him to extract 2 ribs and suck it, i was tired and wanted 2 sleep, i said he could come round sunday night, he msg'd for a bit but i haven't heard from him since, so fuck him.

Kate's in perth, she's coming round tonight after i finish work, yay!

anyway, im starving, gonna go home and eat something.

2003-02-17T00:08:00.000-08:00

this is a diary entry I wrote this australia day about my time in perth since i came up in october of 2001, it's summed it all up in a few pages, then there are the entries written at the time. I thought i'd write the summary first so I'd (and u) would know what the fuck those little entries are on about!.

some people write in diarys trying to make their world seem so much better than it is in real life. They like to think those who are reading will be impressed by their adventure and love lives, wittiness on the whole and how they managed certain situations.

fuck that.

my life has been pretty up and down. there is no pretence here whatsoever, sometimes i was happy sometimes i'd like to picture myself 6 feet under with weeping women over me, worse still - hanging from a homemade noose. my life now is much better, i have a purpose and direction ( and a fucking job). here goes.

oh and another thing. this is not for the sole purpose of imagining people reading about my life, it's a record for me in case i lose these bits of paper i scrawl my daily entries on.

nuffin's safer than the net (smirk)

oh and mind the immature lameness of the entries, when writing from the heart i have no recollection of the proper use of the english language...what-evvverrr!

summary written on australia day Jan 26th 2003

I'm sitting at my sisters kitchen table. Her, my nephews Rhys 10, Hayden 8 and Zak 2 and my brother in law Tim are down in dunsborough/margaret river on a divine 5 day holiday they all need! (tims down from the mines)

I'm houseminding the dogs Jaxon, Nu-Nu (who used to be mine, she's a tiny chihuahua), cats Buddha and Felix and the birds and fish!

I thought I'd keep a diary but due to my laziness it'll probably be updated every 6 months- but hey they'll be damn long entries!

I moved to Perth in October 2001 and stayed with a school friend Amber and her boyfriend Rob. I'd stayed with her previously, came back to Albany and thought "fuck this shithole" packed up my shit in my car, mum gave me $200 and i drove straight back 2 days later!

Amber, Rob and I shared a one bedroom unit in Wembley, amazingly, Rob was the one on the couch cushions on the loungeroom floor instead of me! He said Ambers snoring pissed him off - I never heard it...

Anyway, time moved on, me and Rob unemployed, so we spent most of our time at the pool on the grounds, I got a kick ass tan! We'd go round to Rachel and Trev's unit, Trev couldn't for the life of him get a job even though he tried so hard. Rachel had a a 9-5 so trev dealt weed. he was the typicial try-hard dealer "try this maaaaaan - thai buddha blended with red indiana, this'll get you ooooooff" or some shit, but he was alright. Jack and Tanaya lived across from them. Jack was an ugly fucker and no1 could figure out why Tanaya a pretty one was with him, i figured it now, he was supplying her, fucked if she was gonna walk away from that with nowhere 2 go and no money.

nothing ever ever happened between me and rob, i thought he was ugly and vice versa so things were cool (im also decent).

Then comes this Jo bitch, she was a fat ugly junkie and a home hooker. When things got difficult with amber i moved in with her, but that didnt last for long.

Amber, Rob and I moved from the 1 bedroom to a 2 bedroom in the same block. I got a job as a checkout chick at the same woolworths amber was deli assistant at. The job brought up resentment because i used to work in the albany woolies. Anyway, I met this dude called Paul on the checkout behind me (hahahaha, it's funny now, 2 checkout staff fall in love hahahaha. not really) he wasn't that attractive but reminded me of Hugh O'Conor, we went to the movies on one date, then he took me 2 city beach for fish'n'chips for my birthday, he was supposed to get champagne but he forgot. anyway we went back to my place and i lost my virginity to his massive schlong hey, i was surprised for such a skinny dude! I'd been telling him I wasn't going 2 sleep with him all night, what a dick. rob and amber had to turn up the radio in their room cos we made too much noise. rob was pissed the next day cos he had 2 work early.

I quit woolies and amber cut sick at me since she put in a good word 2 the boss 2 get me the job, it was just before xmas and they were already short staffed. the supervisor went up to amber and goes "your friend is a bitch and a tart", she was! and she couldn't apply her orange foundation right either.

I started this direct selling job, "hawking" at PHD marketing in oxford street, part of the cobra group. I met some awesome people, because it was a backpacker job, u got a % of what u sold at the end of the day, if u were good u'd get maybe $120 a day.

Martin was a guy from Cork in Ireland, he had such a thick fast accent it took me ages to be able to understand him! (he talked exactly like the gypsy piker from Snatch), he wrote poems for me to read, and wrote one about me called Blathana (flower in gaelic), i have it framed. I also met a dude called darren, he really wanted 2 be with me but i wasn't attracted to him except as a friend, we'd hang out a lot though, he'd pick me up and we'd go 2 freo markets. a few nights after my birthday he bought vietnamese and we ate at kings park overlooking the city, romantic if we were together, he worked at PHD too, if he knew i was struggling to pay the rent and hadn't made many sales, he take me to hotspots and go "go in there, dont say a word and he'll buy the lot", I'd make $50 out of this one spot. I also met a chick called Sarah, she was 25 and weird. noone at work liked her, i did though and we used to drink together a lot, we drink then get it off, it was okay. we were still friends even after i went to optus (residential selling is shit!) I got a dog out of it though, Adam a dude i met while working there, and me were pitching up north and this old dude had a tiny chihuahua, he goes "do u want her, we're going to england" so we took her that afternoon, Norman a guy from malyasia (he's so australian it's not funny, he's got a real australian sense of humour) was joking about having a barbie with her! Adam named her boofhead but i named her Snatch after my favourite movie, we were like mummy and daddy! Adam made a really sad attempt at cracking onto me when i went round to visit her, we went and bought vodka and he sculled around 6 glasses with fanta while i was sipping my one, he started talking soooo much shit, disagreeing with everything i said, or simply bragging, he was pissing me off so I left, he wanted me to stay the night and I go "fuck off no way" and he goes "ok ok, you dont *have* to sleep in my bed, just stay on the couch" !! DICKHEAD! he tried to hold my car door open as I left but i wrenched it closed and sped off (as fast as my old car could anyway) we had to work together the next day, he was debating quitting thinking i was gonna make work hell since i'd been there longer, but we made up and were mates, he even came 2 visit me at mums in albs when he was down pitchingin the south)

Mum called a few days after my 18th and gave me ange's phone number, i hadn't seen her in years, i'd been searching for her, especially to see my nephew Rhys again, I called her straight away and drove over to Belmont to see her! I met Rhys and Hayden again (first time in about 5 yrs) and Zak who i'd never met, he was 13 months at the time, he's 2 now. Ange was worried that i'd turned out like our other sister elaine who's on methadone down south.

I spent new years with them, first time i tried speed and ecstasy, got fucked off my face and spent almost the whole night calling her next door neighbour Flanders (he acted like ned Flanders down to a tee) and trying to talk this drugfucked chick to dump her abusive boyfriend. he was slapping her around and i cut sick dragging her off and lecturing her, wish i hadnt wasted my time.

I was still friends with a guy called Jon mason who i met at PHD, he was 20 and a cute little pretty boy, he loved clubbing and sports cars and "taking drugs", those kind piss me off now, they only do it to try to be cool, he was going out with sarah at the time when he admited he wanted 2 be with me, i was really pissed and gave him head on the side of lake monger, we were gone 2 hrs while sarah was at my place droning onto amber (amber cut sick at me cos i had rhys 4 the night and she had 2 put him to bed and listen 2 sarahs shite - big deal) Jon dumped sarah and we started together, one night before Jon told sarah me and him were together, he was around ( I was living with Jo then) then she came over and goes "what the fuck is this!!??" Jo grabbed her arms and wrenched her out the front door (jo was a big bitch, always looked out for me though) I was fully fretting trying to hide Jon in my room! hahaha. sarah didnt blame me, just didnt speak to jon again, but he was happy about that. I didn't really hang with Jon, i didnt like his friends they were all richies and loved having barbies on weekends and clubbing and doing up cars, all trying to be suburbanites but alternative at the same time, god that pissed me, in the 4 months me and Jon were together we didn't sleep together once, he just really did nothing for me.

I moved in with Dino, Zak's dad, ex bigtime speed dealer and gypsy joker, but he'd given it all up when zak was born, he was still coming to terms with the major loss of income and having no energy! he was so easy 2 live with though, I stayed with jo while Dino moved house, but she owed me some money she'd bought a stick with and i was pissed, i took some shit down to my car and in that time she'd dumped all my shit on the curb and locked her place up dumb slut, i was really down so i drove back to albany and stayed with mum, i scored a job as a sales rep with nippy's and cruised around getting paid 2 to jack, visited mel miragliotta a fair bit and we'd get stoned all day, after 4 weeks i went back up to perth and moved back in with Dino.

When i was working at PHD me sarah and this german chick julia were pitching in freo and was trying to flog some shitty dog to this mechanic, we flirted then swapped numbers, he messaged a few nights later and rocked up in a silver sports honda, he looked so dodgy in this adidas shit, i thought he'd stolen the car, but he was doing it up for work. we sat up and talked till 7 in the morning, we slept together a few times when we felt like it. he had too much shit to sort out though, he used to steal cars n shit and i stayed away from the relationship thing, he rarely called me anyway, so it was strictly casual.

In winter, dino's got sooo cold i'd lie awake shivering, i moved in with ange, but that was a really bad time. i quit my job Jon scored for me, it was an office job selling phone systems, we all had a desk and computer in one big room and had fun, but my skin got really bad acnedown each side so i left. i was very depressed and had not a cent for 5 months, ange supported me, she was still coming off speed (it takes a few years to be really clean) so we had a few fights which i believe put a permanent dent in a our realtionship. I had to go see a doctor because i was "talking shit about killing myself" (ange said that) i remeber it vaguley but had she left me i would have, i hate thinking about it, everything - all my frustration, lonlieness (i had no friends at all) and no money meant i had no purpose, eventually i got a job as a personal carer for a quadraplegic man called Peter, he's really cool the first joke he told me on my first by myself was "whats the only part of a vegetable you can't eat?" A "it's wheelchair", i didn't know whether to laugh or not because he's in a wheelchair and i thought he was testing me. he's like that though and has lent me money so many times when i have none. ParaQuad association gave me more personal caring work and i built up a clientele. I moved out of anges in October 2002into a one bedroom unit in maylands, where i am now. It has bright sky blue walls and yellow kitchenette, i really like it. Upstairs and across lived a guy called Jason, his brother came down to say hello one night and jason followed soon after. He'd visit me a few times when i invited him to a fair in belmont i was taking my boys to (Rhys haydz and zak) he came and we started going out, he was with a chick at the time but dumped her a couple of days later, i wasn't sleeping with him till he was single. a week later he got kicked out of his place due to unpaid rent, i let him stay with me over the weekend, it turned into a week and he had no money and no job, so i sent him off to his aunties in rockingham. me and j got on so well, we were like bestfriends, just hanging out and fucking around, alughing at dumb shit, ange said after a couple of days we were together "u guys are like you've been out for a hundred years!" he promised he'd get a job but weeks turned into a month and he still hadnt and didnt have a cent to his name, he was smoking my cigarettes all the time, eating my food, and i just couldnt afford it, I'd quit a job with an old rich bastard and gone down from $500 a week to around $300 and had debts up to my ears. he seemed to care but never ever went voluntarily to centrelink to look for work, never attended interviews his aunt organised for him.

After 2 months, and being on his back everyday about money, i was sounding like his mother (though she had kicked him out ages ago because he's done the same thing 6 times before). He said he'd given $50 of his xmas money his mum gave him to his mum to mind so he could buy the alcohol on new years, I found out he had asked ange to lend it to him and never paid it back, she really needed it, and ended up telling me, i cut sick at him, i ranted and raved and put him down and told him he was a fucked up asshole with no future and ra ra ra, he'd finally applied for the dole (my pushing) and was due to be paid the next day, i ended it with him but let him stay the night on the couch so i could get anges money off him, i even slept with his wallet under my matress so he couldnt piss off during the night. the next morning, because he'd overdrawn his bank so much he only had $40, so i took that, then at home started cutting sick at him again he stood there like a fuckwit until he snapped grabbed his stuff and stormed out, I found out he'd gone back to rockingham and upon being questioned as to why he was back said to them I'd "been pressuring him to rob peoples houses for money", in the end i found out he was a compulsive liar and me and his aunt had a big bitch about him. we had been talking about backpacking around europe together, even names for kids! not that we were serious, but we really felt we'd be together for a long time, I told him what he'd lost all because he was too lazy. so at least i got my 5 cents (cos my 2 cents is free)

I messaged Nic after 7 months of no contact cos i hung up on him the last time. he came round the next night then we talked for a while afterwards and he said he'd call me when he left early the next morning, still hasn't almost 3 weeks later, poor me.

anyway, i've been on for an hour over my time limit at the library and that's all since being in perth.

hopefully i'll be working up at the mines in a couple of months, really good pay so fingers crossed and goodluck to tim who'll be doing the sweet talking for me to his bosses!!

godarnit my fingers are sore!!

2003-02-16T23:56:00.000-08:00

So I'll put that anthrax on that tampax and slap you till you cant stand up...